Forgiveness
(Note we are using the NivUS version)
We shall address the need to forgive in all circumstances with anybody. However, I have split this study into two parts. The first part, entitled “Forgiveness – Building Back Trust in Marriage,” focuses on the marriage relationship and the responsibilities of each spouse and establishes the foundation for building trust in marriage. The second part focuses on the person violated in any relationship and how that person can be healed and sometimes reconciled with the violator. I encourage you to watch both. However, you can go directly to the second part, “How to Forgive,” if you seek healing outside of marriage.
Forgiveness Part 1 of 2 – Building Back Trust in Marriage
I chose to look at forgiveness within the context of marriage for several reasons. Forgiveness is difficult when a spouse has treated the partner with disdain or violated the sanctity of marriage. This violation involves the person you are closest to and most intimate with, who should be your closest ally. It is not only painful and humiliating but also can threaten how you look at your worth. As we will see, marriage is so important to God that He mysteriously compares it to the relationship between Christ and the Church.
The Family Hierarchy
In Ephesians 5, Paul addresses how we are to live. In verse 21, he starts to address marriage with what I believe are some of the most misunderstood and poorly translated passages in the Bible.
21 ¶ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Many women look at these verses as making them second-class and subservient to their husbands. However, it is directing the husband to be like Christ. Christ did not come to rule over anyone. He came as nothing in humility to fulfill God’s plan and to serve.
Mt 20:28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Heb 12:2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Php 2:6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!
Keeping the husband’s responsibility in mind, let us dissect Ephesians 5 verses 21-24.
In verse 21, the Greek word for submit is hupotasso, which means to arrange under, to subordinate, be in subjection, obey, or to yield to one’s admonition or advice. In terms of military use, this word means “to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader.” However, non-military use was “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.” Verse 21 sounds like a good practice for a healthy marriage and family.
In verse 22, the Greek word for submit is idios, which pertains to one’s self, one’s own, or belonging to oneself. I think a better translation is wives should belong to their husbands as the church belongs to Christ.
In verse 23, the Greek word for head is kapto, which means the husband seizes responsibility as head of the family. In the context of the rest of verse 23, the husband is to model Christ as the head of the church, resulting in the salvation of the family body. We will address this in more detail in the following sections.
In verse 24, the Greek word hupotasso is again used for submission.
This family hierarchy involves mutual respect and represents Christ to the church. Most importantly, husbands have a greater responsibility to love their wives enough to give up their life for them if necessary.
Therefore, I believe a better translation, or paraphrase, for Ephesians 5 verses 21-24 is as follows:
21 Have a voluntary attitude of cooperation to assume responsibility and carry out our burden to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives belong to your husbands as to the Lord.
23 For the husband, it is essential to seize responsibility as head of the family and model Christ as the head of the church, being the savior of the body and giving his life if necessary to protect his marriage.
24 In a voluntary attitude of cooperation and burden, wives should recognize their husbands as the head of the household.
Back to Ephesians 5 where we left off, starting in verse 25, Paul commanded husbands as follows:
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—
30 for we are members of his body.
31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
Paul says that through marriage, we become one flesh. Marriage requires each spouse to contribute their innate strengths to the family body and love their spouse as they love themselves. The husband’s primary purpose is to present the word of God to his wife, resulting in her sanctification, and present her before God as holy and blameless. While the wife’s purification can never be fully obtained, it should always be the husband’s objective.
Spousal Responsibility
For both spouses, Christ should be our example. In 1 Peter 2, starting in verse 1, Peter called us to:
1 ¶ Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.
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4 ¶ As you come to him, the living Stone— rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him—
5 you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.
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9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
10 Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.
11 Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.
12 Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.
13 ¶ Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority,
14 or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.
15 For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men.
16 Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God.
17 Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.
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21 To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.
22 “He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.”
23 When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.
24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.
25 For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
Paul gave additional responsibilities to each spouse in Colossians 3:
18 ¶ Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
The Greek word for harsh is pikraino (pik-rah’-ee-no), which means to make bitter, angry, exasperate, or to grieve.
In 1 Peter chapter 3, Peter addresses wives and then husbands as follows:
1 ¶ Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,
2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.
4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands,
6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
We have covered the word submissive above. I believe the translation of the Greek word poieo used here for weaker is incorrect. It is generally true the wife is physically weaker than the husband. However, poieo means to bear, bring forth, or produce. This is the only instance in the Bible that this word is translated as weak. Instead, I think this refers to the wife who bears children. The women in the Bible, such as Ruth, Mary, Martha, Sarah, and many more, were not weak. In Matthew 27 it records that women who followed Jesus were present at His crusification.
55 Many women were there looking on from a distance, who had followed Jesus from Galilee while ministering to Him.
56 Among them was Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James and Joseph, and the mother of the sons of Zebedee.
While most of the disciples hid, the women were with Jesus as He died on the cross, and it was the women who later routinely visited His tomb. The women were present not only during the crucifixion but also after Christ was entombed. Matthew 27 goes on to say:
61 And Mary Magdalene was there, and the other Mary, sitting opposite the grave.
In addition, the women were the first ones to witness the resurrection in Matthew 28:
1 ¶ Now after the Sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary came to look at the grave.
2 And behold, a severe earthquake had occurred, for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and rolled away the stone and sat upon it.
3 And his appearance was like lightning, and his clothing as white as snow.
4 The guards shook for fear of him and became like dead men.
5 The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid; for I know that you are looking for Jesus who has been crucified.
6 “He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said. Come, see the place where He was lying.
7 “Go quickly and tell His disciples that He has risen from the dead; and behold, He is going ahead of you into Galilee, there you will see Him; behold, I have told you.”
8 And they left the tomb quickly with fear and great joy and ran to report it to His disciples.
The women were close to Christ throughout His suffering and experienced the miracle of the resurrection while the disciples were hiding out. I want to eradicate this whole idea of women being weak and instead proclaim the wife has a responsibility to show her husband strength as it pertains to faith and commitment to her Christ, especially under challenging circumstances. The wife may be physically weaker than the husband but has an inner strength of dedication and resolve that benefit the marriage.
First and Second Peter tells us how we are to live and are worth reading. For how husbands as leaders are to conduct themselves, focus on 1 Peter 5 :
1 ¶ To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ’s sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed:
2 Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, serving as overseers— not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve;
3 not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.
4 And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.
5 ¶ Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.
7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
8 ¶ Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
10 ¶ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
Peter goes on in 2 Peter 1:
1 ¶ Simon Peter, a servant and apostle of Jesus Christ, To those who through the righteousness of our God and Savior Jesus Christ have received a faith as precious as ours:
Faith is a gift from God.
2 Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.
3 His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.
Note we receive grace, peace, and power through our knowledge of God. We will summarize how this knowledge is obtained in a moment. However, Peter goes on in verse 4 about the results.
4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5 ¶ For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;
6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;
7 and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.
8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Note Peters says that obtaining the divine nature is a process we never fully obtain but should be increasing.
9 But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.
10 Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall,
11 and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Again, Husbands are to be merciful and faithful priests of the family in service to God.
Heb 2:17 For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.
Jesus was full of grace and truth.
John 1:14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
Most of the world is caught up in sin, jealousy, and envy. They are insecure, living in bondage to the fear and greed of this world. However, we are children of God.
John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God–
In summary, let’s list the biblical commands God gave the husband and wife regarding our marriage.
| Responsible Party | Biblical Precepts |
| Both Spouses | submit to one another; exhibit humility, goodness, knowledge, self-controlled, alert, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, love; stand firm in our faith; be respectful; do not give in to fear; trust in God who judges justly; rid ourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind; offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God; declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light; abstaining from sinful desires; live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God; love the brotherhood of believers; fear God; honor our earthly leaders; use Christ as your example; resist the devil (see Spiritual Thread commentary on The Screwtape Letters); die to sins and live for righteousness |
| Husbands | love their wive as Christ loves the church, giving up his life for her; make his wife holy, cleansing her with the washing through the word, presenting her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless; be a merciful and faithful high priest of the family; shepherd the family, serving as overseer, eager to serve; not greedy for money; not lording it over; do not embitter your children: do not make your wife bitter, angry, exasperated, or to grieve; be considerate as you live with your wives, treat them with respect; |
| Wives | Submissive in an attitude of cooperation, recognizing the husband as the head of the household; respect your husband; demonstrate inward beauty, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit; use your purity and reverence and inner strength to win over an unbelieving husband; do not give way to fear |
These biblical precepts related to marriage appear overwhelming. In fact, they are humanly impossible. We must rely on Christ’s example and the Holy Spirit to transform us. The Holy Spirit’s transforming power and how it is manifested is discussed in more detail in another Spritiual Thread entitled “Once Save, Always Saved?”. However, in summary, Paul told us how in Colossians 3:
15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.
16 Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
17 Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.
In Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians chapter 5, he emphasized our need for each other and what we must do to depend on Christ.
8 But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.
9 For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.
10 He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him.
11 ¶ Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
12 Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you.
13 Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other.
14 And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.
15 Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.
16 ¶ Be joyful always;
17 pray continually;
18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
19 Do not put out the Spirit’s fire;
20 do not treat prophecies with contempt.
21 Test everything. Hold on to the good.
22 Avoid every kind of evil.
23 ¶ May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
24 The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.
In summary, we list how we obtain this divine nature by referencing the applicable scripture in this section.
- Let the peace of Christ rule in our heart (Colossians 3:15)
- The rich indwelling of His word through wise teaching (Colossians 3:16). Today, we have the tools to study His word in depth.
- Exercise self-control, faith, love, and hope of salvation (1 Thessalonians 5:8)
- Through Fellowship
- Admonishing one another with psalms, hymns, and song (Colossians 3:16)
- Encouraging one another and building each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
- Live in peace, warn the idle, encourage the timid, be patient, and be kind to each other (1 Thessalonians 5:13-15)
- Respect those over you in the Lord (1 Thessalonians 5:12-13). This includes preachers, teachers, and elders.
- A thankful heart (Colossians 3: 15 -17, Thessalonians 5:18)
- Be joyful always (1 Thessalonians 5:16)
- Do everything in word or deed in the name of our Lord Jesus (Colossians 3:17)
- Using the life of Christ as our guide (Colossians 3: 1
- Praying continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
- Testing everything. Holding to the good (1 Thessalonians 5:21)
- Not treating prophecies or Christian teachings with contempt (1 Thessalonians 5:22)
- Avoiding evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22)
God will sanctify us if we commit to these precepts (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24). Above all, the Holy Spirit is our guide. We are told not to quench the Holy Spirit in 1 Thessalonians 5:19. In Matthew 12, Jesus warned us of condemnation if we speak against or blasphemy the Holy Spirit.
Mt 12: 31 “Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven people, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven.32 “Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man, it shall be forgiven him; but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come.
Refer to our Spiritual Thread study entiled “Once Saved, Always Saved?” for a more detailed study of Matthew 12:31.
In summary, remember we are all a work in process. Nobody but Christ can live up to all these precepts or exhibit all these divine natures.
The Profound Mystery in Marriage
Back to Ephesians 5, Paul, in verse 32, addresses this profound mystery in the marriage relationship.
32 This is a profound mystery— but I am talking about Christ and the church.
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Paul says our relationship in marriage is a profound mystery that parallels the relationship of Christ and the church. Let’s unpack this mystery.
First, God considers marriage a holy communion, resulting in sanctification for the wife, the husband, and the offspring.
In terms of the body, Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:
3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
In terms of sanctification, Paul goes on to say:
1Co 7:14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
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16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
In this case, the Greek word used for sanctified is hagiazo (pronounced hag-ee-ad’-zo). It means to make holy, consecrate, set apart for God, or to purify. This sanctification is so critical that it impacts the spouse and their offspring. There is no promise like it anywhere in the Bible.
Ro 11:16 If the part of the dough offered as firstfruits is holy, then the whole batch is holy; if the root is holy, so are the branches.
The context of Romans 11:16 addresses the grafting into the body of Christ the Gentiles. However, due to the scriptures above, we believe it also addresses the sanctification within the married relationship.
When either spouse fails at their assigned duty and threatens the sanctity of the marriage, it is natural for the offended spouse to experience anger, fear, betrayal, and loss of confidence. The offended spouse must find a way to protect themselves physically, emotionally, and psychologically and subsequently place no confidence in the offending partner. Instead, our relationship in marriage should parallel our relationship with Christ.