Forgiveness Part 2 of 2 – How to Forgive and Heal
(Note we are using the NivUS version)
In the first part of this study, “Forgiveness – Building Back Trust in Marriage,” we established how the Bible addresses the marriage relationship. I strongly encourage you to watch this video because it establishes some of the attributed and divine nature we should acquire through Christ and the Holy Spirit in any relationship. This study addresses how to forgive and heal in any circumstance.
Our Relationship with Christ
Jesus tells His disciples in:
John 15:15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
Jesus loves you so much that He went to the cross for you. Jesus, being rejected by his own and deserted by His disciples, was crucified on the cross.
Luke 23:33-38
33 When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals– one on his right, the other on his left.
34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.
35 The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One.”
36 The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar
37 and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.”
38 There was a written notice above him, which read: THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS.
God’s most precious possession, His Son, was rejected and deserted. However, Jesus chose to forgive them. Why did God do this? Why did He allow this to happen? Because He loves you so much. No other story demonstrates your worth as Christ’s crucifixion for you. Paul said:
Rom 8:
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
The most amazing thing is God loved you so much that He sent His Son to die for you on the cross. Consequently, Jesus chose to forgive us while hanging on that cross. If you are a violated spouse, Christ must have had similar feelings you now have but decided to forgive.
The Violated Person and Forgiveness
Suppose you are the person or marriage partner who has been physically or emotionally hurt by your partner or someone in your sphere through infidelity, betrayal, or any other form of harm within the relationship (note we will address physical harm separately). In any case, your feelings are valid and real. The betrayal, rejection, and hurt you feel are authentic. The anger and bitterness are genuine. Jesus, being all human, after being abandoned by His closest friends, innocently convicted and rejected by His Jewish brothers, and suffering flogging and the humiliation of crucifixion, must have shared your feelings. But you have been bought with a price.
1 Cor 6:20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
Jesus tells us that we must forgive.
Mt 6:15 But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matt 18:21-35
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.
24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.
25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26 “The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’
27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’
30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.
31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.
33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’
34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”
Paul goes on in Ephesians to say
Eph 4:
26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
Even though your feelings are real and, in the short term, are not sinful, you can heal and forgive. The devil does not want this. The devil wants you to keep your anger and bitterness, which keeps you in bondage to him. Note the book “The Bondage Breaker” for sale on our website. Paul goes on to say:
Eph 4:
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
There are two aspects to forgiveness. Both are for your benefit and healing.
The first aspect of forgiving is not between you and your spouse or the offending party. It is between you and God. It does not mean you deny your feelings. It does mean you initially chose to forgive from the heart. It does not mean you are fully reconciled with your spouse or the offending person. However, it does mean you are set free from the power that betrayal, hurt, fear, rejection, anger, and bitterness can have over you.
One of the best examples of forgiveness is the story of Corrie ten Boom, the famous Dutch author of “The Hiding Place”. Along with her family, she helped many Jews escape the Nazis during World War II. She was eventually arrested and sent to a concentration camp. She lost her entire family during World War II. She watched her sister suffer and die in the concentration camp. After the war, Corrie became a Christian author and public speaker. She recounts the following:
It was in a church in Munich that I saw him–a balding, heavyset man in a gray overcoat, a brown felt hat clutched between his hands. People were filing out of the basement room where I had just spoken, moving along the rows of wooden chairs to the door at the rear. It was 1947 and I had come from Holland to defeated Germany with the message that God forgives.
It was the truth they needed most to hear in that bitter, bombed-out land, and I gave them my favorite mental picture. Maybe because the sea is never far from a Hollander’s mind, I liked to think that that’s where forgiven sins were thrown. “When we confess our sins,” I said., “God casts them into the deepest ocean, gone forever. And even though I cannot find a Scripture for it, I believe God then places a sign out there that says, NO FISHING ALLOWED.”
The solemn faces stared back at me, not quite daring to believe. There were never questions after a talk in Germany in 1947. People stood up in silence, in silence collected their wraps, in silence left the room.
And that’s when I saw him, working his way forward against the others. One moment I saw the overcoat and the brown hat; the next, a blue uniform and a visored cap with its skull and crossbones. It came back with a rush: the huge room with its harsh overhead lights; the pathetic pile of dresses and shoes in the center of the floor; the shame of walking naked past this man. I could see my sister’s frail form ahead of me, ribs sharp beneath the parchment skin. Betsie, how thin you were!
The place was Ravensbruck and the man who was making his way forward had been a guard–one of the most cruel guards.
Now he was in front of me, hand thrust out: “A fine message, Fraulein! How good it is to know that, as you say, all our sins are at the bottom of the sea!”
And I, who had spoken so glibly of forgiveness, fumbled in my pocketbook rather than take that hand. He would not remember me, of course–how could he remember one prisoner among those thousands of women?
But I remembered him and the leather crop swinging from his belt. I was face-to-face with one of my captors and my blood seemed to freeze.
“You mentioned Ravensbruck in your talk,” he was saying. “I was a guard there.” No, he did not remember me. “But since that time,” he went on, “I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fraulein,”–again the hand came out–“will you forgive me?”
And I stood there–I whose sins had again and again to be forgiven–and could not forgive. Betsie had died in that place–could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking?
It could not have been many seconds that he stood there–hand held out–but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do.
For I had to do it–I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. “If you do not forgive men their trespasses,” Jesus says, “neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.”
I knew it not only as a commandment of God, but as a daily experience. Since the end of the war I had had a home in Holland for victims of Nazi brutality. Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that.
And still I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion–I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. “Jesus, help me!” I prayed silently. “I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.”
And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.
“I forgive you, brother!” I cried. “With all my heart.”
For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely as I did then. But even so, I realized it was not my love. I had tried, and did not have the power. It was the power of the Holy Spirit as recorded in Romans 5:5, “…because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.”
The final step of forgiveness involves total restoration with those who have wronged you. Note that physical and some psychological harm may never involve total restoration. In some cases, the offending party passes on. Neither does forgiveness mean we forget. In any case, total restoration requires the other party to acknowledge what they have done to you and genuinely ask for forgiveness with a resolution to change. For this forgiveness to gain traction in the marriage relationship, the guilty offender must commit to the following:
- Promise truth and honesty
- Recognize they are one with you in the body and Christ Jesus
- Treat the offended with the attributes we listed earlier
- Protect the offended physically and emotionally with their life
- To love the offended as Christ loves the church
- In the case of the offending husband, he must sanctify you and your offspring
- He is to be the priest of the family, bathing and cleansing you and your offspring with the word and spiritual knowledge, making you holy
- He is to be the prayer leader
- He must take the lead regarding the salvation of each member of the family
- He must present you to God as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish
In all these things, the offender should use Christ’s goodness, self-control, perseverance, godliness, humility, servant attitude (servant/leader), and love as their example. What offended spouse would not embrace their partner who exhibits the attributes we listed earlier?
Who We Are in Christ
You are precious to God. You are His precious jewel that He bought with a price. He thinks so highly of you. He went to the cross to bear your sins. He wants you to let go of any fear, bitterness, or anger due to rejection and betrayal. It is your choice. At first, it may only be a shallow acknowledgment of fact or intellectual assent. However, eventually, He wants to set you completely free and restore you. These steps can only take place through the power of our Lord.
We can then acknowledge God and our response as follows:
Ps 40:
1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come– it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.”
9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.
14 May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, “The LORD be exalted!”
17 Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.
Who has the power to heal us and restore our soul?
1 Pet 5:10-11
10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
Summary
Notice a continuing theme throughout the scriptures presented here that our marriage is a representation of Christ and the church. Our marriage is one way we can show Christ to other believers and the lost. The divorce rate in the United States varies depending on the source, but it is commonly cited as being around 40-50%. This statistic means that approximately half of marriages in the US end in divorce. Another 10 – 15% of marriages end in separation. How many others are struggling at some level? Unfortunately, Christians are complicit in this percentage.
In any relationship, our forgiveness at first may only be a shallow provision of words in our prayer for healing or a mere acknowledgment of God’s command to forgive and intellectual assent. However, the Lord promises to transform and restore our souls and emotions so we can live freely again.
Finally, there is no better testimony other than to show our family members and others our faith in the Lord and what He can accomplish. They are watching us. We can impact their faith by demonstrating a solid commitment to each other and fruitful lives.
Our prayer may start by pondering Pslam 51.
1 ¶ For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba. Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
7 ¶ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.